he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
