At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
