i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
