Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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