I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
