Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sorry about my life...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
