Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
