And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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