corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
