You can't special order awesome
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
