Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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