When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
