I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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