I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
