this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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