how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my phone needs a breathalizer
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
