and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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