I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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