so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
