So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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