So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
