Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
