Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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