I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
