I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
