he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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