if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
