Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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