At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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