I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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