dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
