If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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