All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
