I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
