If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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