i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
