i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
