It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
