we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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