Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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