just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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