Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
