If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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