so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
