Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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