well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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