Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
