Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
