I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize