the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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