New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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