My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
