Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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