I showed him my bush... on skype.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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