Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize