Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize