I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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