Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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