I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
