In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My liver just broke up with me...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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