They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
