i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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