She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
