I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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