im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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