i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
